Scribe Report
Hua Hin, Thailand
22 – 25, November, 2012
Eight of these arrived a day or two early to adjust to the time change and to enjoy the wonderful flavors and tastes of food and other delights in the Land of the Smiles. Two elected to arrive on the suggested departure flight which was scheduled to arrive at 10:25 – with a 11:30 tee time this was a bit of a tight schedule to clear customs, immigration, go to the toilet, get baggage (and golf clubs), find the bus and transit the required 30 minutes from airport to golf course. It was even more critical as the Tour Instructions clearly stated that anyone arriving late would be accessed a 500 Peso fine. Klaus and El Prez paid their fines of 500 Baht without too much complaint. The problem was not theirs but, of course, was fully the fault of the airline. We did not think we stood a chance of Hades of collecting money from Malaysia Airlines so David Hewitt, Tour Money Bags, quickly snatched up the funds.
Day 1 – Summit Windmill Golf & Country Club
The late arrival of El Pres and Herr Klaus did cause a bit of a problem – they had all the required documentation to allow us beyond the practice putting green. Lord Hewitt went begging to the Starter with his now fat wallet and like a miracle from the sky – our starting time was moved to 12:00 noon. Unfortunately, the 1st Group had to tee off from Hole No. 2 and the other two groups teed off at Hole No. 1. This delay also caused a bit of a problem with the Caddies who seemed to disappear looking for food. As all of you know, if a Thai has nothing to do they will look for food …….. or something.
Summit Windmill was designed by Nick Faldo and opened in 1991. It is similar to most golf courses in the Bangkok area in that it is fairly flat with undulating mounds. However, as you also know, sand and water are plentiful in Bangkok. The course was laid out such that you could challenge the golf holes by taking the infamous Tiger Line over the sand and/or water as much as you dared to do. By playing a little further left or right you could be safe but have a much longer 2nd shot (maybe 3rd as well) to the green. Definitely an advantage to the long hitters. This proved to be the case with Herr Klaus – the owner of one of those white demons R-11. He began the day with a 21 handicap and ended with a 17 handicap as he shot a blistering 93 for 36 points. The nearest player close to him was Boomer Rikki Ingram who shot a very nice 90 but was playing off a 16 handicap. Next was Happy Feet Lord David Hewitt with a 104 and 30 points off a 29 handicap. However, he was just warming up for the weekend. Herr Klaus and Sir Rikki were mostly quiet for the remainder of the weekend.
The Quote of the Day would have been awarded Lord David Moneybags. As The Lord and his worthy Colonel were walking up to two golf balls in the fairway, the kindly Colonel asked the Lord “What ball are you playing?”. The Lord replied,
“I have no f**king idea. I lost so many balls I have no idea what I am playing. Probably the longest.”
One interesting thing about this course is they have an Ambulance Buggy – available for emergencies on the golf course. Since this is an emergency vehicle it comes with a supercharged V8 engine to quickly deliver the patient to the nearest pub, toilet or hospital depending on the type of emergency. As it turns out, we could have used this buggy later in the weekend.
Day 2 – Black Mountain Golf Club
Black mountain is a well known great layout. The course was designed by Phil Ryan, Golf Architect, and opened in 2009. It is a Championship Golf Course with five tee boxes. The Champion Tees play 7,550 yards with a Slope Rating of >146. We played the “65” tee boxes which is equivalent of Blue Tees. It measured 6500 yards with a slope rating of 135. It was a challenge but it was fair.
We were scheduled in the reasonably early morning – the first day of the two day Away Competition. Tee times beginning at 9:20 am – very reasonable for Gentlemen of the Game. The course was in absolutely great condition – greens putting true and of medium speed.
Day 3 – Banyan Golf and Country Club
Banyan is another Championship Course that opened in 2004 and from the black back tees plays at 7,361 yards with a slope rating of 137. Fortunately we played from the white tees with a distance of 6,300 yards and a slope rating of 120. The course was in absolutely great condition. However, most of us had some difficulty with the speed of the greens. It caused havoc with “blowing the my hole” for the most of us and was to continue to haunt us the following day.
The Main Event of the day was no doubt Wayne Beck having a major discussion with his caddy on the bend in his willy. This was not only a discussion but was also accompanied with a visual presentation – as is done at fine musicals. This was on approximately the 14th or 15th hole. Lord Fast Feet David was in a desperate battle to win the Two Day Away Competition. At least he thought he was. He was actually about 10 strokes ahead of the next contender with 3 or 4 holes to play. But he was beginning to tire out a bit and was getting nervous about the whole thing. On the 14th or 15th tee box there was a great commotion coming from one buggy. Lord David instructed me to go quiet them down so we could get along with the game. Following instructions I marched to the buggy with a glare the Colonel would be proud of. I was amazed to find Wayne had his willy out and was explaining to the wide eyed caddy why it was bent to the left and was slightly rotated. I am not sure the caddy understood his Thai but was certainly fascinated over the entire situation. He was trying to make her understand it was a result of heated reckless action in his youth before he found out about girls. All I could do was report the situation back to Lord David and suggest he continue with his game. That was when Lord David failed to drive the ball beyond the Ladies Tee (much muttering). For myself, I was awarded the COTD for willy watching when as I actually just following orders. As for the Caddy, I doubt very seriously if he will ever caddy for a farang again.
Day 4 – Springfield Country Club
Another Championship Golf Course designed by Jack Nicklaus and established in 1993. There are three 9 hole courses – Mountain, Lake and Valley. We were charged with overcoming the difficulties of the Lake and Valley having a combined length of 7,109 yards and a slope rating of 136 from the Gold tees. We were tired and worn out from a lengthy seafood dinner the night before, a couple of quick ones (beverages) on the way back to the hotel and an extremely early wake-up call.
As to be expected the course was in excellent condition. However, we found the greens to be very slow and we struggled with getting the ball to the hole. In all fairness, we were a little tired. I am sure that is the reason for no one winning the longest drive and no one winning the NTP on the front 9 – it was an absolutely long 150 yards almost straight uphill with a fierce gale forced wind in our face. That’s my story and I am staying with in.
This was of course the day of the Money Game. El Prez assigned each Jockey to a Horse and amazingly they were all in different groups. It must be magic.
The results were:
- Karl and Wayne: 41 Points
- Frank and Rick: 39 Points OCB
- Jimmy and Gary 39 Points
- Klaus and Rikki 28 Points OCB
- David and Richard 28 Points
Klaus won NTP on back 9.
I suppose the most interesting thing occurred in our group at the 3rd Tee Box. After finishing the 2nd hole, Frank drove up in the buggy and left El Prez with us. He said he had a touch of the Deli Belly and would be back very quickly. The 3 ball in front finished and disappeared while we waited. The 2-ball behind was finished and just walking to the hole. We almost let them play through but here comes Frank in the slowest buggy on the course ….. and the most smelly. It seems he did not quite make it to the toilet. In all years of playing many golf courses with lots of rascals I have never had anybody shit their pants while in my group. That is a thing of the past. Klaus and I refused to allow El Prez to ride in our buggy for the remainder of the round.
Editor’s Note: If the above remotely resembles the golf outing you attended, it is purely coincidental. Management takes no responsibilities for the content of this document. In fact, management takes no responsibility for anything and if you think so then you can go and fornicate yourself .